Tantric love is essentially spiritual sex, because its goal is spiritual experience with the partner and even enhanced by the partner. So the spiritual experience, or what could also be called spiritual attainment, is not only in relation to the partner but also dependent on the partner. So it needs to be a mutual journey.
Unlike other spiritual paths or meditations, the tantra meditation ritual involves sexual activity, the sexual love ritual. Sexuality and sex is not abhorred or looked down upon, as it is in some other spiritual beliefs; instead in tantra it is highlighted and revered.
Important is that during the sexual ritual, (ie, tantric sex), the partners need to be dedicated to this as a spiritual meditation and activity. So if the sex is regarded as just a physical pleasure, or just as a gratification of the ego, then this is not tantric spiritual sex. There must be a mutual dedication to the very goal of tantric sex, which is Unity consciousness, Love experience, or Divine realization.
In order to reach this spiritual goal, each of the lovers need to increase their consciousness on the physical sensations, energies, and pleasures of the ritual. In other words, consciousness or awareness of the physical activity itself, and what is experienced in this, must increase rather than decrease. Therefore, a drifting or scattered awareness is not helpful and is completely in the opposite direction to the tantric goal. Increased consciousness and Deep meditation is the way, which can sometimes be experienced like a trance state, but it's not a sleepy, drifty, or half conscious state.
Here is a key. The spiritual aim involved in tantric sex is achieved by way of the physical body, sensations, energies, and pleasures. These are the pathways towards greater spiritual experiences and spiritual transformation. So the partners of tantric sex need to be more and more conscious of all of this.
In tantric sex the partners are collaborating, merging and synergizing their individual energies, which will create in both persons a larger unified energy.
People do not ordinarily consider the energy dimension of sexual intercourse. There is of course the pleasure dimension, but there is also an energy dimension. Each person has an energy field, an electric-magnetic aura; and these energy-auras merge together in real sexual experience – where the partners are truly open to one another, and open to this merging of energies.
So it really does make a difference who is involved, because real and intense sexual lovemaking will be involving the actual energy auras of each person. Thus, a more spiritually advanced person would be much better having sex with someone who is truly loving and has an energy with greater purity, rather than someone with a crass or disharmonious aura. So it really does matter who we are with, especially in the closeness and energy intenseness of sex, because we are sharing and merging our energy auras, which includes the general energy of each person's emotional patterns and mental attitudes, as well as the physical body energy. People too often forget this, then jump in bed with whoever, or whoever looks good. Yet the whole person really matters, including the mental and emotional parts, and not just the physical part.
So remember also that a person's emotional energy field is cumulative of the kinds of emotions that person has. Therefore, a person with lots of angry or hatred or judgmental emotions will be bringing those emotional energies into the lovemaking, since these emotional patterns will be in the person's emotional aura.
Overall, understand the general idea here. That you are making love with more than just a physical body – this is a whole person, with an emotional aura and a mental aura, and even a soul aura. Their aura is their quality of energy, which is inevitably brought into the lovemaking, without any choice and without the person even knowing it. So for example, one person might bring a more pure energy of real love into the ritual, while another person might bring a more disharmonious or clouded energy. Thus, consider the energies of the other person, which is what they bring to the love ritual; for this will be the energies you will connect with.
Knowing this, we can now take the understanding even further. In the deeper tantric sex, the energy auras of each person (with spiritual love) merge together to form a much greater, unified, energy field. This makes the experience itself ever greater, proportional to the merging and synergy of these energies, and it creates a greater self beingness as well. In addition, each partner gains from the energy collaboration and exchange; – if the other partner truly has something of value to offer. In other words, since each person is bringing their emotional and mental energies to the activity, one partner can positively gain from the other – if there truly is something to gain from or be elevated by the other.
A main tantric goal is reaching Divine Union through unification with another. The word unification is especially relevant and helpful, because it can be understood as a process or a path. In other words, unification is what one can move towards. If one were in a group process, it could make sense to 'work towards' unification, or do a work of unification, whereby one is moving towards that, or moving in that direction. Though in tantra this would not be understood as a 'work', but rather as a passion! It is the passion to be unified with the other, or to experience union. Then through this union, and with this person, one can potentially reach an experience of Divine Union, which is union with the Cosmic Self, the One Who we really are, the One Who we are microcosms of.
Yet in practice, this really does require intention. Most likely, this kind of spiritual experience will not ever occur without one's intention. It might not even be possible without some intention towards this from both partners. The power of both partners and their energy interchange is essential in any higher tantric love experience; but one must always begin with oneself, for any success must begin with our very own self-responsibility.
Now what is meant by 'intention' is not like a fierce or manipulating effort. Rather, one's intention is simply knowing the Goal and moving towards that Goal with self-passion. So if one can have an intention towards unification, and with passion, and with continuance through the love ritual, then one will be moving in that direction towards divine union.
The partner becomes a vehicle for this. But this does not mean that the partner is 'merely' a vehicle or a means to one's self-goal. That kind of attitude will not work, because it would be a facade of real love. Instead, the partner is a divine portal, a divine gift. For example, the beauty, light and love of a woman partner becomes the portal into the absolute Divine Light and Love, because she is the manifest Goddess, and her beauty of love is the divine reflection and medium to the Divine. Thus, she leads the man to the One Divine Being, Who is really beyond gender distinction. The essentials of this would, of course, apply to man or to woman.
Once again, the intention and passion must be to merge with the other, to enter evermore completely into unification, or union, with all of one's body, mind and emotion. One's passion must be sincere, real and intense, with the goal in mind and the intention strong. And an essential part of this is to keep losing oneself into the other, keep surrendering into the other, into the merging and into the unification.
In tantra this is spiritual purification, through the love ritual. The meaning here of purity is to enter into a pure spiritual-sexual experience. This means to leave behind one's usual personality, to just let all of that go. Leave behind and let go of thinking. Let go of ego and be free. And instead, jump into the pure sensual-sexual experience – with complete abandonment of thinking, and even complete abandonment of one's whole personality makeup, (or makeover). Instead, open to the whole unfolding sensual experience, embrace all sensual feelings and move with the energies.
The tantric lover has to, with intention and passion, 'pass through' the physical into the deeper psychic and spiritual realms. Yet the physical is not abandoned; it's not like one 'leaves' the physical. Rather, one goes through the physical into the spiritual; such that the physical is a medium to the spiritual. But the physical is always present. And it needs to be present – with a high degree of sensual awareness. The tantric experience is most definitely physical – full of sensual sensation and pleasure. Yet from this, the tantric experience can then move deeper, into spiritual experience, but without losing any awareness or enjoyment of the physical.
So in tantra, one is not abandoning the physical nor disassociating from it. Rather, one is increasingly engaging into the physical, with consciousness so intensely into the physical sensation, sensual experience and enjoyment, that one passes through the physical into a spiritual dimension. So rather than dis-engaging in the physical, or drifting away from the physical into a merely dreamy state, the tantric lover actually increases awareness and sensation in the physical, in order to go through and emerge through the physical, into the spiritual, or into a higher experience of being in Oneness.
This requires some amount of intention that is beyond the ordinary. For ordinarily, or by ordinary habit, a sexual experience is either – completely wrapped into the physical, or else the person drifts away from the physical experience. Yet the tantric lover intentionally and passionately seeks spiritual experience (much like the naïve seek physical organism); but while never leaving or abandoning the physical; such that the ultimate tantric experience is both physical and spiritual. This intended spiritual experience is, ultimately, divine mystical union, which is spiritual orgasm. But the path to this is (first) by way of union with the tantric partner, who is a microcosm of the Universal Divine Being, and a reflection of Divine Love and Beauty, whether we call this God or Goddess. So the path to Cosmic Union has to begin with a path towards partner union. This path is propelled by one's passion (or love) for unification.
Man and woman are equal in sex. In tantra this means that a woman can be just as assertive as a man and just as 'powerful' though of course in a different way. But in most cultures it is assumed and conditioned that a man should be the assertive one, while woman is the passive one. In tantra this is not assumed. Those roles or attitudes could well be reversed at any time in the love ritual, even in its inception. In other words, either the man or the woman could be most assertive, most leading or most dominant.
So if a woman has been conditioned to merely remain passive in love-making, or merely following the man's dominance, then she needs to transcend this limitation in her thinking about herself and the love ritual. For she can develop more assertive ability and less passivity. In complement, the man can develop more receptivity and be more willing to follow the woman's lead. In fact, in the tantra tradition, a woman priestess could well be the teacher for a man student. But even in lay practice of tantra each woman is, in potential, a tantric priestess. Moreover, the woman is considered a sexual equal of the man, so there is nothing uneasy about a tantric woman being assertive or in the lead during love-sex.
Related to this equality is that a woman needs to feel equally responsible for the sexual activity and its success, rather than passively believe the man is solely responsible. In other words, if she feels that some improvement is needed or that the sex should enter into a higher phase, then she needs to responsibly assert this into activity, rather than passively wait for the man to make it happen. So, each partner, man or woman, is responsible for the whole love ritual.